"I do feel sorry for someone that is in the late 30's that has never been married, and looks so beautiful as you. The big question is why? Now I know..."

­­                After a wonderful dinner with my Mom and a foot massage, I returned home to a series of emails from a (now former) friend.  As a bit of background, this is a guy (mid 40's and divorced) who aspired to be my man but, sadly for him, didn't measure up in so many ways.  While I made it clear (on a number of occasions) that I wasn't interested... and he claimed to understand and be able to live with that, he became a never ending fount of drama in my life... most of it arising out of his emotionally immaturity (including a crazy rant he posted on my Facebook) and his inability to understand that "no means no."

                His parting shot, right before he unfriended me, was "I do feel sorry for someone that is in the late 30's that has never been married, and looks so beautiful as you. The big question is why? Now I know..."

                The funny thing is that, in his mind, that was the ultimate insult... something meant to cut me to my core and that I'd spend the rest of the evening crying over.  However, what he failed to realize was that his insult to me both answered the question he posed, as well as reinforced my decision to exile him from my life. 

                Why am I still single?  I just haven't found the right person... in today's world, there is no shame in being older and single.  While I have married friends, I also have many friends who are also unmarried.  In the 1950's, I can see how this would be the harbinger of doom for the pitiful spinster... however, today, this isn't the case.

                However, without regard for the changing times, I've decided that I'm not going to be the girl who is going throw myself at the next eligible man or woman who comes my way.  I'm sorry, but I have these things called "Standards" (something that the manchild clearly didn't know anything about).  Finding a mate isn't difficult... finding the RIGHT mate is much more challenging.

                Herein lies the challenge.... I am accomplished and intelligent.  I have a good job that pays me fairly well... and, more importantly, my life experiences have forged a strong character and have given me an appreciation of who I am.  While it would be easy to marry the next slack jawed yokel that looks at me with googly eyes, I choose to continue searching for the right person who is worthy of me (and who I am worthy of).  Cheaters?  Leaches?  Lazy men?  Horny bastards interested in just one thing?  Yeah... keep on going because <waving hand across>, I'm not the girl you're looking for!

                Why am I still single?  Because I'm not desperate....because I'm not afraid to do my own thing... because I have a very sensitive and honed BS detector...  because idiots annoy me... because I'm not obsessed with being a breeder... because I know who I am and what I want... because that right person hasn't come along yet... because I'm waiting for the right person.

                In the end, I didn't spend very much time or effort arguing with the manchild.... what was the point?  He will believe what he wants and, quite honestly, his opinion is not one that I care about or care to waste my time influencing.  Good riddance to him and onward to find someone worthy of my friendship!

To see, or not to see, that is the question

To see, or not to see, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The presence and idiotic words of obnoxious people,

Or to take refuge in my dwelling

And, by staying at home, remaining in bed.  To avoid- to rejoice

With apologies to the Bard, this is the dilemma that I now face.

As much as I love friends who are hosting a get together meal this weekend, there are two people, among the many who were part of the big Augean Stable cleaning/ purge of a few weeks ago.  While our “friendships” had ended long ago, I still kept them around to see what idiocy they would post… and, quite honestly, they never failed to disappoint.  Over time, I realized that I was better off not knowing about them… as snickering at the inane thoughts passed through their simple minds just got boring.

Even though I have previously purged these people from my Facebook page, I’m not able to fully remove them from my life.  There are many people that I would love to see at the get together this weekend… however, I do not have the desire to associate or deal with these two people. 

Friends, who are attending and know of my quandary, tell me that I can sit with them and avoid the toxic ones… although, how do I ensure that?  And, short of wearing ear plugs and using sign language (which would be difficult as I only know how to sign one thing… and it’s mainly used when I drive) how do I block their ‘blah blah blah’ from destroying the happiness I feel from being friends whose company I actually *DO* enjoy?

To see, or not to see, that is the question... 

Karine 365, one year later!!!

            A year ago today, I posted a blog about starting the Karine 365 project in which I would be “making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.” Unlike the Photo 365 projects (which most people started, went strong for about 30 days, then totally abandoned), my Karine 365 project was more personal, not requiring me to post daily updates about life but, instead, to just live a more genuine existence and to find positivity. 

            During the last year, I have suffered bumps and bruises, shed lots of tears, but have emerged a much happier and stronger woman. Looking back at last year’s blog, I set three goals for myself.

Goal #1:  To be *ME*

The primary goal of Karine 365 was to be able to live life the way that *I* wanted and to allow people to see the real me.  While I did not project a false persona to people, I had always been more guarded about opening up and letting the world see me… this girl.   I had so much fear and anxiety about being so open and vulnerable to people.  In the last year, I have shown more of the genuine Karine to the world than ever, for better or worse, and the results, without a doubt, have been truly wonderful. 

            Without a doubt, the most wonderful aspect of the past year has been rediscovering my smile.  While I’ve always had, flashed and shown the smile, in the past it hasn’t always been genuine.  As a graduate of the “when in doubt, just smile and people will leave you alone” school of thought, a smile wasn’t always a sign of my happiness.  During this past year, I’ve noticed my smile return and backed up by the joy, glee and excitement that I feel.  Friends have also noticed, telling me that I just seem much happier than I did in the past. 

           

            While I’ve accomplished much in my goal to be *ME*, I realize that I still have work to do.  I have confidence and self-love, but I still notice that I will sacrifice what I want in order to appease others.  Moving forward, I need to focus less on what others think and focus more on making my dreams, wishes and hopes a reality.

Goal #2:  Avoid Drama

            Sadly, over the past few years, there are have been many casualties of Karine 365… I have made a concerted effort to distance myself and, in some cases, banish people from my life, who have only brought me drama, grief, stress and unhappiness.  What amazes me the most is that, looking back, a year ago, I considered some of these (now distanced) people my closest friends, which is either a testament to how I have honed my ability to read people or how incredibly blind I was to the stealth energy vampires and drama mosquitoes, who swarmed around me to suck out my vitality and life.  The up (and down) side of it all is that I have much more quiet time for myself, which is always nice but, at some points, can be lonely. 

            However, with the subtraction of some people in my life, I’m happy about the addition of much more loving, supportive and drama free friends… as well as the strengthening of existing, positive friendship bonds and ties.  I have been able to reach out beyond my standard circle of friends to meet and get to know such a diverse group of interesting, loving and nonjudgmental people.  Branching out to other groups and people became a necessity for me since I started to realize that one group of acquaintances, in particular, was becoming highly toxic and unhealthy.  While there are still wonderful loving people that I met through and still keep in touch with from that group, I feel that a large portion of that group bordered on (and often crossed the lines) being emotionally unhealthy.  

            In the upcoming year (and beyond), I will try to be more careful about where I invest my emotional energy and love.  I will no longer waste it on people who are not worthy and need to hone my ‘Spidey sense” in rooting out the undeserving.  It’s clearly a task that’s much easier said than done.

Goal 3:  Achieving my body goals

            In the past year, I have also made strides in attaining the body that I want.  Even though I’m still self-conscious walking around in a bikini, I am much more confident in doing it than I was in the past.  In learning to accept my body, I have started to love my attributes, to embrace my flaws and accept accountability for the choices that I make.  I’d love to tone up a bit more but realize that Yogurtland or skipping the gym, while not the best ideas, will delay the achievement of perfect body that I am hoping for. 

Conclusion:

            The last year has been filled with positives and negatives but, in the end, has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I mourn the friendships that have fallen by the wayside, but take joy in knowing that there are many other wonderful people who have stepped up to fill in that void.  I am so amazingly lucky in feeling the love and support to open up to many more friends about where I’ve been, where I am and where I hope to go. 

            I am elated that the first year of Karine 365 has been so amazingly wonderful and successful.  I start year two with even more joy, exuberance, and enthusiasm towards making all of my wishes and desires a reality and being at that place in life where I want to be.  However, in the big picture, I realize that it’s not about a Karine 365 year two (or year ten)… in order to find the happiness which I seek, I’m focused on a Karine 365 lifetime.  

Dusting along the baseboards of the Augean Stable

                Today’s question of the hour is, “at what point do I start deleting or dealing with people because of the idiotic rubbish they post on Facebook?” 

                When I cleaned out the Augean Stables a few weeks ago, I got rid of a lot of dead weight, as well as people that I only kept around for ‘bad karma’ purposes (i.e. I wanna see what stupid, ridiculous stuff they say so I can snicker at it).  However, I left a few people on who aren’t really objectionable to me, but seem to relish starting political arguments or spamming the world with their ideology.

               

                I appreciate the fact that, on their own Facebook walls, people are allowed to say what they want (within limits, of course) and that it’s not my job, duty or right to shout them down ***on their own wall.***  A year ago, I had an extremely needy and self righteous acquaintance who felt that she was entitled to go onto *other* people’s Facebook walls and lecture them about the wrongs that they had committed in her eyes.  While I shut her down when she tried that on my page, she didn’t learn her lesson and continued her lecture series on a number of other friends’ walls.  When I called her on that, she blocked me… and, problem solved.  Still I doubt that this person has realized the errors of her ways but, if she doesn’t change, she’s going to lose more people and, eventually won’t have anyone to read her hourly prayer request solicitations (my ‘BINGO!!!’ request would’ve been one for sympathy because someone put the wrong emphasis on the second syllable of Gesundheit after she sneezed).

                I had a (now former) friend who, even though we resided in the same area of the political spectrum, spent her days going through blogs and pages, reposting… every…single… article… about how X, Y and Z were destroying America.  I deleted her (it didn’t hurt that I later learned she was a stark, raving, drama filled lunatic) because, even though it was a more politically compatible message with my views, I just couldn’t handle the crap overload... as well as the “I dare you to disagree with me” trolling that she was doing.  I had another (also now former) acquaintance at the opposite end of the spectrum, who wrote tomes to troll about how A, B, and C were destroying America.  When people dared to disagree with him, he and his cronies would just tee off on the dissent, calling them names, ridiculing them and saying inappropriate things.  While I never got involved in his posts, I was appalled that he allowed this crap to happen on his page and did not put an end to it.  I deleted him (it didn’t hurt that he was creepy).  These two examples are people who are clearly trolls and bullies… and I don’t regret their disappearance from my Facebook universe.

Getting back on topic, the thing about Facebook is that, when people start posting crap on their own walls, it ends up popping up on my news feed.  Don’t get me wrong… I have a few friends that post some political stuff, some funny stuff and some interesting stuff... that’s fine.  I’m thinking more about the political trollers whose posts are always inflammatory and overly opinionated.  Facebook, thankfully, has given me a number of options to effectively deal with these posts.  Which brings me back to my main point... what do I do with Facebook friends who are otherwise nice people, but whose political venom and bias spill out in every post they put online?  Do I hide them?  Do I delete them?  Do I block them? Do I tell them to knock it off?

I, unfortunately, don’t have an answer.  It’s still not my place to tell someone that ‘your posts are at an 11, take it down to a 6,’ so I’m left to make a choice whether I want to sever that friendship or block/hide them, sending them into the Facebook equivalent of “The Sixth Sense” (yeah, we’re friends, but I don’t see you).  None of these options are particularly ideal, but I have to evaluate how irritated I am by their posts versus the value of their friendship. 

Do you all have a universal rule that you follow?  Or is it more of a case by case analysis?  The Facebook friendship of someone who you don’t know hangs in the balance J

*** By the way, I also realize that, in pondering the question of ‘what to do with Facebook friends who are trollers?,” there’s a lot of overlap with a blog I wrote on 8/24/11 called “Not in *my* house” (http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4850259657914900085#editor/target=post;postID=2094974711647183875)

Cleaning the Augean Stables...

"When you get bit by a snake, you have to suck out all the poison, that's what I had to do, suck all the poison out of my life."

                                                                                                                -Cady Heron “Mean Girls”

                It’s been awhile since I last posted, but I felt the need to after the last 24 hours.  Nothing bad has really happened to me, but, I’ve come to the realization that I’m surrounded by too much negativity… and it’s starting to drag me down.

                While I’m the happy smiley girl that you know today, I wasn’t always that way.  It took many years for me to find my identity, as well as my zest for life and motivation to succeed.  Going through this process most certainly wasn’t easy, but the end result is that I really do appreciate who I am and the struggle I went through to get here.

                Herein lies my two pronged problem:  I care about people a little bit too much AND needy people always seem to find their way to me.  I don’t quite know what it is… for example, mosquitoes, no matter where I’m at or who I’m with, seem to find me, suck my blood and leave me bruised and full of welts, no matter what type of bug spray I use or how many layers of clothing I wear. 

Needy people also seem drawn to me and eventually leave me emotionally bruised and full of welts.  While I’ve learned to love myself and honor my struggle and past, I still have to learn to set boundaries to keep these emotionally needy people at bay.  If I have $20, I can loan you $5.  However, if I only have $20, I can’t loan you $40.  In monetary terms, I get it… however, in emotional terms, I don’t…. and, thus, end up giving more of myself to others than caring about my own emotional happiness.

This all came to a head last night when I had an argument with an immature and emotionally needy (now former) friend.  While I realized he was always being a selfish and an emotional vampire, I tried my best to help him.  However, no matter how much I tried to give helpful advice and care, he resisted and ended up making himself more unhappy.  Despite the fact that he was always asking for my advice for every little thing, when I gave it yesterday, he replied with a ‘who asked you?’  While the short answer is, “you, IDIOT!” the longer answer involves knowing when call it quits… which is where Cady’s quote comes into play.

Last night was a teaching moment for me.  Although I realize that I tend to give too much of myself to others, the exchange with this drama queen gave me some clarity on the situation.  I realize that I have been bitten by the ‘needy people snakes…’ and that their venom is making me unhappy.  Last week, I was talking to a colleague, telling him about my weekend.  His only response to me was, “Karine, you need to spend time around happy people… these people are not happy.”  While it seems like an oversimplification of things, he’s 1,001% correct.  Not it’s a matter of ‘sucking the poison out of my life.’

To be happy, you must surround yourself with happy people.  While this isn’t a new idea (“Think and Grow Rich” and a multitude of positive thinking books espouse this), it’s something that I just needed to hear in order to start comprehending it and, more importantly, applying it to my life.

As an aside, do you remember Hercules’ labors?  (Break out that Edith Hamilton!) Hercules was commanded to complete 12 labors in order to make up for murdering his family (oops!).  These labors were all thought to be so difficult, that they were impossible.  King Augeas, who had more cattle than anyone in Greece, housed his herd, including bulls, goats, sheep and horses, in the Augean Stables, which had never been emptied nor cleaned.  Hercules’ 5^th labor was to clean out the Augean stables.  He managed to complete this feat in one day, ripping a hole in the front and back of the stables, then rerouting the Alpheus and Peneus rivers through the stables to wash away all of the crud and crap.

Much like Hercules, I cleaned out the Augean stables known as my Facebook profile.  Over time, much muck, crap and dead weight has accumulated and, in ‘sucking out the poison,’ I finally eliminated many of those who were negative clouds or just dead weight in my life.  While some may be bothered or hurt by my stable cleansing, it’s a necessary step in finding a better, happier existence for me.

It’s a gradual process, but I need to consciously recognize that being a good friend doesn’t mean letting someone drain the life out of me.  I will be there for you, but I cannot do it for you…. Or, more plainly, I will be your cheerleader, but I can’t be BOTH your cheerleader and quarterback!

"Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better"

For anyone who has ever tried to plan an outing with me, you know that I really like to have a plan in place.  However, while I always stress the importance of having some sort of plan or purpose, I’m not set on following the plan in precise detail.  Rather, for me, I see the plan as sort of a backup, in case fun, spontaneous things fail to materialize.

Why have I spent the last hour or so pondering this quote?  Earlier this evening, I saw “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel,” in which one of the main characters expressed this thought (or something to that effect) at the end of the film.  As I walked out of the theater, wandered through the labyrinth that the Century City Mall calls its ‘parking lot,’ and drove home, I started to think about my day (and weekend), realizing that it had not gone according to plan but turned out far better than I could’ve hoped.

Saturday, I had either planned to leave Faire early (and relax on the couch) or very late (staying for a later event in the evening).  However, Sunday evening, as things wound down for the day, friends invited me to join them for dinner in the area.  The result?  I discovered a yummy (and interesting... Indian AND Mexican food under one roof?) and had a chance to get to know some wonderful friends even better.

This morning, I woke up and decided to try and find Kings’ tix for tonight’s game, then meet a friend for a quick dinner before heading home.  However, when that fell through, I went to Universal Studios to preview the Transformers ride (3 TIMES!!!) and got to spend the entire afternoon with one of my dear friends shopping and at happy hour and..... seeing “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” instead of “The Avengers” (which sold out).  Sure, I didn’t see my Kings sweep the Blues and move onto the next round of the playoffs, but I still was able to listen to the game on my phone at Universal (and saved about $100+ on a ticket to boot!).  More importantly, my friend (who is like a sister to me) and I had a chance to catch up on the goings on in our lives (over drinks... very important!!!), to giggle, chat and gawk at pretty shiny things... and to see a movie that we both agree was far more enjoyable and touching than super heroes and explosions.  Quite honestly, while my plan A wouldn’t have been bad, my plan B was far more wonderful than I can describe.  

However, the notion of “Things may not turn out the way you planned... they may turn out better” doesn’t just apply to my day, it applies to my life.  As a child, I could not have imaged that I would be the fabulous and driven woman that you all know (and hopefully love) today.  The Little Me imagined that, by now, I would be married with two kids (my daughter Madison and my son Steven), living a 4 bedroom house a few blocks from the beach, have a Beagle named Max and work as a doctor (or an astronaut).  Taking inventory of my life today, I’m still single, sleep with a teddy bear named Bear Bear and work as an attorney for the County.... in essence, none of what I dreamed as a child has come to pass.

Does this mean that I’m a failure?  Or that I’m leading a miserable existence today?  While my life today isn’t perfect (and I’m sure that I’ve complained to a few of you about some of those imperfections), it’s far richer and meaningful than Little Me could’ve ever imagined.  I firmly believe that Little Me, knowing the struggles, adversity and pain that I have overcome and the friendships, relationships and experiences that I have (or had), would be so proud of Me today (especially after seeing my Hello Kitty and fabulous shoe collections).  However, that being said, Little Me would probably like to see me dating or married... or at least sleeping with something other than a fluffy teddy bear...... which actually brings to mind another fun quote from the movie...

“I’m single by choice.... just not my choice”

I certainly need to work on that... but that’s another blog for another day.

PS.  If you haven't seen it, I'd highly recommend "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel"