Revelations and resolutions

Looking back at 2008, this has been a year of many ups and downs for me. In the end, though, I wouldn't change a thing about the way that I spent my last year (although, in retrospect, I would've brought a heavier and warmer jacket when I went out last week).

What stands out most in my mind is that this is the year that I finally learned to love and honor myself. As many people know, it's been a constant struggle to really accept and embrace *ME*. In this past year, I've moved forward and taken affirmative steps to being *ME*and living in the real world (not just existing solely in the universe of my friends).

The big change in my life was the people around me. Drama happened with former friends and made me an innocent victim. I've blogged about it before and, as you might expect, on some level, it still really really hurts. However, on the eve of 2009, I can safely say that I've moved on. This is the last that you'll hear of it, unless something new happens… and, quite honestly, in this one paragraph, I've already wasted too much time on those people.

However, with the friend drama, I've had an opportunity to surround myself with some really positive, loving and supportive people. It's hard to trust and love after you've been hurt by those closest to you, but my new friends have made it easy. They are warm and loving and are the bright lights in my life. Life no longer revolves around going only out to a club, but is filled with fun, exciting and interesting outings and a parade of fun new people. To my new friends, you know who you are... and you totally ROCK!!! Thanks for being in my life.

I realize that I'm a lucky girl… I have a loving family, fabulous and supportive friends and a secure job. With the economy going south, my government job with civil service protection seems even more appealing. While I know that it's not ultimately my life's work, it's comfortable enough for the time being.

With the positive momentum from 2008 (and ignoring the negative things), I am ready to charge forward into 2009. With that enthusiasm and energy, there are still things I will keep in mind:

Finding balance through moderation: While I'm a firm believer in balance and moderation in life, at times, it's easy to lose sight of that goal. I hope to find moderation in everything that I do in 2009… whether it is spending money on (yet another) fabulous purse or pair of shoes, splurging on a Costco hot dog or going out for 4 nights in a row, I need to show more self restraint.

Don't forget the fundamentals: In the past, I've always found success by breaking things down to their most basic elements to conquer seemingly daunting problems. This is the way that I lost 50 pounds before. The fundamentals of 'eating less and only until full (not stuffed)' and getting regular exercise (going back to spinning and incorporating yoga and pilates), will be the way that I'll lose the 10lbs that I've given back recently (after keeping it off for many years).

'I am simply *ME*, no one can be a better *ME* than I can': This was a reflection suggested to me by a Buddhist monk on a meditation retreat. While it seems simple and pretty 'duh,' it has stuck in my mind for the last year or so. Basically, I need to live my life and be *ME*… not the "me" that others expect or want me to be (dutiful child, etc) … but the person who I am. In living that life, I need to be open, free, daring… essentially, as Tim McGraw says, "Live like you were dying." Moreover, this also means that I need to keep an open mind about everything… whether it's just trusting that I'll find love eventually (keeping my fingers crossed) or knowing that I want to find another job, I must be open to change in order to recognize these opportunities when they come.

Dramaprofen, brought to you by Karine: How cool would it be if they made a medication to bring down the hurt and pain from drama? I've had my fair share of drama this past year. It's not fun… it's not healthy… and far requires too much energy. For so many years, I've managed to avoid mega drama, however, with finding and growing into myself, it's found me. Sort of the 'you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs' theory of life. I hope to be much better at spotting approaching drama and, much like seeing a drunken loser at a bar, running like heck when I see it.

I'm sure I could go on for days about small changes I can make in life (not using 'potty mouth' language and my 'driving finger' while on the freeway, re-reading the Four Agreements, etc), but I think most of the small stuff (which Richard Carlson tells us not to sweat, since it's all small stuff) can pretty much be summed up by the ideas above.

2008 was considered a sub-par or bad year by many, however, it has been positive for me. I feel so lucky to have so many wonderful friends... and I'm so elated to have you in my life!!!!! Armed with a 'can do' approach, I can't wait to see what jewels and treasures await me in 2009.

Have a fabulous (and rockin') new year… and I'll see you all on the flip side (of the calendar)!

Love always,

Karine

Fortune Cookie Karine

Hi everyone… it's been awhile since I last wrote. The last month and a half or so have been a tremendous time for personal growth… and I was thinking about sharing some of the new revelations I've come to. So, sit with me while I open my crispy Karine Fortune Cookies and ponder these new revelations.

1. Karine's Fortune Cookie say... In life, you need to have dynamic goals.

A month ago, I celebrated yet another birthday. My birthday routine normally involves sitting and reflecting on where I am in life and where I hoped to be. Ever since I was little, I always envisioned myself as being successful at work and having the All American family… husband, children, a house with a white picket fence, a labradoodle, etc.

This year, I vowed to change my thinking, deciding that my life goals don't need to be set in stone; they should be fluid and dynamic. Life is always changing and, as a result, my goals should be adjusted accordingly. I realized that, even though the idealized vision of what my 'grown up' life looked like as a kid is not going to happen, there can be other ways to 'have it all.' Whether it's coming home to a husband (or wife), a labradoodle or even just Bear Bear… just because things aren't the way I dreamed they would be, doesn't mean that I've failed… I just need to redefine what 'success' is for me.

2. Karine's Fortune Cookie say... I have two legs… I'm going to use them to stand on my own

In the past few weeks, I've really started to find myself. The weird thing is that I really haven't tried any harder or done anything different… except to trust myself. I'm learning self confidence… and starting to honor myself.

Case in point, for my birthday, I went down to San Diego on my own. While I met up with a few friends and went out, I did spend the majority of my time in the city, doing my own thing.

In the past, when being out and about, I've also felt that I've needed my friends as a crutch. While I used to see myself as half of 'Karine'n,' I now realize that true happiness comes from just being Karine… the girl doing her own thing in the world. I can go out to a club, dance some (maybe after a drink… or three) and have a great time… or just treasuring the simple pleasures of wandering solo through art exhibit, going on a photography expedition or finding the right pair of flared jeans (deeply discounted and on sale, of course).

My fun doesn't depend on others… my life isn't about living in another person's shadow. I have found the self confidence and self respect to just be myself in the world. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to enjoy the support of friends for strength… I'm just saying that one shouldn't rely on. I have two legs and I'm learning to use them to stand on my own.

3. Karine's Fortune Cookie say... Don't be afraid to be who you are

A lot of this may seem to be a 'duh,' but it's something that I also have to come to terms with. I am 'ME'… and I am the best me that anyone can be. This is something I learned at a retreat about a year ago… a valuable lesson in living life to the fullest and just being myself.

I'm anal retentive… I'm a type A personality… I worry about things… I over analyze things. However, I'm also fun…cheery… and have a great sense of humor. I love baking cookies and connecting with people and, once you get to know me, you'll uncover my bubbly and fun loving nature. I am loyal… I am loving… I am nurturing… I care deeply and have compassion for others. People, I am ME… the good, the bad and the ugly.

I was recently confronted with a choice… whether to be myself, warts and all, or whether to hide and suppress my own emotions and feelings. I am who I am just as other people are who they are. No one is 100% compatible in this world… so, if you're willing to make the effort for those you love, just have to work through those conflicts. In that instance, I chose to be me… just as I would urge others to be who they are.

4. Karine's Fortune Cookie say... When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life doesn't give you any fruit, find something and juice the heck out of it

As most of you know, I'm not necessarily the most optimistic person. However, I'm working to be less pessimistic and have found that I am much better about looking to make the best out of any opportunity that comes my way. However, if those opportunities aren't presenting themselves, it's up to ME to make positive change in my life. It's up to me to find the resolve and dedication to attain my goals.

Which brings me to my point… use those lemons to make lemonade but, if you don't have any lemons, you need to find your own fruit… creating your own motivation to jump start that momentum. For example, I have often felt limited in my social outings ( not the club again!!!!!). It would be so easy to sit on my couch, watching Daily Show reruns, twiddling my thumbs and lamenting my fate. However, I've taken the initiative to find other groups and like minded fun seekers to branch out with. On Saturday, I'm planning on museuming during the day and seeing Mama Mia in the evening. On Sunday, I'm hoping to be out at a beach party.

Life has so many wonderful opportunities and I intend to try to follow through on as many as possible. If you would like to join me on my quest to live life, you're more than welcome. If not, it's your loss!

Anyhow, thanks for listening (reading). These little nuggets of wisdom may not mean much to you, but they've given me some clarity and direction… and, more importantly, a swift kick in the pants! I am me… I am Karine… I am Fabulosity!

Love,

Karine

My birthday week (and a half)

Hey everyone… well my birthday has come and gone. As I've told more than a few people, there was only one thing about my ex-boyfriend that I admired… his ability to milk his birthday for as much as he could. When I was with him, I saw him stretch out his birthday over two weeks. I didn't want to be a little princess about it, so I've settled for a week and a half.

The past week and a half have been pretty fantastic. I've eaten lots of yummy dinners with family and friends (especially with my family at Roy's and at La Boheme with friends). I've also gone out with the girls and had my share of drinks too (final score: Long Island Ice Teas 3- Karine 1).

I also took last week off as well, spending part of the week running errands and the last part of it relaxing in San Diego. Why San Diego? Well, it is close, the weather is fabulous, the shopping is fabulous-er… and I haven't been down to see my SD friends in ages (nearly two years).

So what's there to say about San Diego? In short, it was fabulous!

Shopping… by the time I left for home, I had 2 new Coach purses (my first Coach bags!), a Dooney and Bourke bag, a fun pair of Nine West leather flats and a few new outfits. I also ordered a beautiful lilac Bebe trench… hopefully arriving at my doorstep soon (yay!).

Sightseeing… I'm not one to sit in a hotel room and twiddle my thumbs (especially since I didn't know whether that could cause calluses). I had a fun time touring Petco Park, going through Old Town and seeing the Whaley House (purported to be one of the most haunted houses in the country), and visiting the Natural History Museum to see the Pompeii exhibit. I had really wanted to see the Whaley House ever since I saw it featured on a Travel Channel special. I took a few pix and was told by the docents that the orby thingies in the pic were ghosts. The Pompeii exhibit was really exciting since it contained recovered artifacts that were 2000 years old… and included body casts of the people trapped and killed by the eruption (it sounds morbid, but it's really fascinating).

Clubs… went to a new club called Universal. I saw the décor from the outside and thought it looked interesting. Little did I know that I would be there the next night. It was a rockin' good time, with great music and an interesting mix of gay and straight people. The gay boys at the club were the funnest ever!!! I had such a rockin' time that I got out there and danced my little bootie off.

Friends… the main reason why I visited was to see and reconnect with my friends. First and foremost was my friend Rhonda (who totally rocks!). We hadn't seen each other in about 2 years, but caught up and, in no time, it was like we had never been apart. I also had an opportunity to see my friend Ken, as well as connect with Kim (and her wife) and meeting Paulina.

Not to be totally dramatic, but I have to tell you about the most wonderful moment of the week! My Mother's birthday is a few days after mine… so, not knowing what to buy her, I asked her if she would like to go shopping with me for her gift… I told her that we could go to Chico's (her fav store) to shop for an outfit… or I could take her makeup shopping. She chose makeup shopping… it was pretty fabulous and I'm sure that the MAC girl thought I was a bitchy princess since I had opinions and suggestions about what my Mom should wear… but, the thing is that I know makeup!!! In the end, we hit both MAC and Sephora and she took home a whole makeup bag of new stuff… fabulous colors and products. And… on top of that, she told me that she had a great time shopping with me! I felt that we had a great Mother and daugh…umm…sssoo… child bonding moment.

Anyways, the birthday has come and gone… and I'm back at work trying to stay awake. I have my wonderful memories of the week… as well as my two new Coach bags!

Love,

Karine

Part of Your World...

"Look at this stuff

Isn't it neat?

Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl

The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove

Treasures untold

How many wonders can one cavern hold?

Looking around here you think

Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty

I've got whozits and whatzits galore

You want thingamabobs?

I've got twenty!

But who cares?

No big deal

I want more

I wanna be where the people are

I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'

Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?

Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far

Legs are required for jumping, dancing

Strolling along down a - what's that word again?

Street

Up where they walk, up where they run

Up where they stay all day in the sun

Wanderin' free - wish I could be

Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?

What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?

Bet'cha on land they understand

That they don't reprimand their daughters

Proper women sick of swimmin'

Ready to stand

And ready to know what the people know

Ask 'em my questions and get some answers

What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?

Burn?

When's it my turn?

Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world up above?

Out of the sea

Wish I could be

Part of that world"

"Part of Your World" from Disney's "The Little Mermaid"

Hi everyone… as you all know, I've been working on "myself." As part of that process, I've come to the conclusion that I need to experience life. For far too long, I've been isolated from the world… not in a crazy Howard Hughes sort of way, but just that I've always felt a bit removed from finding true happiness… you know, in sort of a 'heart held captive in a Rapunzel-esque type of tower' way, hidden and held prisoner.

This is where the cute little song from "The Little Mermaid" comes in. For starters, I've had it stuck in my head for quite awhile. However, what strikes me most about the song is that I feel the same things that Ariel is singing about.

On the surface, many people would think that I have everything … a good job, a nice smile and the ability to rock a miniskirt (among other things). For me, that's not enough, I want to experience life and join in the fun and exciting world out there. In essence, be part of THAT world. I really do feel that I'm sitting on the outside, staring in… and I'm finally ready to venture forth.

As I said, I'm not hermit or anything… I've been out and about in the world, shopping, museums, trying new restaurants, shopping, going on my photographic expeditions, shopping, visiting amusement parks and traveling across the country and into Canada…lol, I've even shot automatic weapons with the ATF (btw, have I mentioned shopping???)! Even with all of that, I still feel like there's something missing; the problem, of course, is that I'm still trying to figure out what THAT is.

I mean, there's the easy 'fun' stuff… I'd love to walk down the runway in a fashion show, model in a photo shoot (watch out Instyle, here I come) or even walk down a beach at sunset with my true love. BTW, I do come with modeling cred… ask Taleen about my "Project Runway" strut!

I'm still yearning for other fun (and safe) experiences out there… does anyone have any suggestions? Anyone with any cool hookups? Please let me know either by blog response or private message.

I'm also having my Maslow's Hierarchy moments too. I would also like to feel that I'm making a difference in the world. Although my work in the law is one means of making a difference, I'm hoping to do more. I have a couple of ideas there, but I'm also open to other suggestions.

Anyhow, I guess I just want to pick everyone's brains for ideas about how to "live life to the fullest?" Btw, before anyone suggests "Karine, broaden those horizons by going out with me," you better put some serious thought and creativity into it… Carl's Jr (even with full beverage bar privileges) isn't going to work…lol

I look forward to hearing what you all think!

Love,

Karine