Bleary Eyed Channel Surfing

I mean, I've had a busy day and had a nice evening… I got back home and figured I'd just get into bed and fall asleep.

However, I fell into the same trap as always… channel surfing while in bed. TNT was showing A.I. tonight and its one of those movies that I'll watch if it's on.

If you haven't seen it, it's the story of David, a robot boy, who lives with a human family. He's initially accepted as a member of his new family and bonds emotionally with them, especially the mother. Eventually, problems arise and the mother abandons him in the middle of a forest, mainly because he's an android and can never be a real boy. He spends the rest of the movie looking for "The Blue Fairy" (from Pinocchio) in the hope that she can make him a real boy… so that his mother will love him.

I've never really thought about why this movie always struck a chord with me, but watching it today, I had a revelation. The reason why I like this movie is because I identify with David and his quest for love and affection.

I, like David, have been on a life long quest to find my own personal "Blue Fairy," in the hope that I'll feel loved and accepted. However, I really don't know what my "Blue Fairy" is or what she'll do, just that I hope she help me find the object of my quest.

Some people will tell me, "Karine, you don't need to find a 'Blue Fairy' to feel loved." However, I have to disagree since I don't feel it; I still feel lonely, isolated and that I don't fit in with anyone, whether it's with my 'boy life' friends or even my tg friends. So, until things change, the search continues...

In the end, David eventually finds the Blue Fairy and, more importantly, love and happiness (at least for a little while). . . I just hope that, at the end of my story, I can find that same happiness and love.

Square Pegs

This past weekend, over the most yummiest of pizzas and a bottle of red wine, I came to a revelation… that I'm a square peg in a world of round pegs.

Now, to be totally honest, that's never really been a big question for me. I mean, I've never really felt like I really fit in . . . I try hard but, at the end of the day, I always feel like an outsider… you know, just sorta different from everyone else.

My big revelation was that, as a square peg, I'm not meant to fit it.

My goal has always been to blend into the background… and be just like everyone else. I shun extra attention because I'm uncomfortable standing out. Looking back, they have been recurring themes in my life.

However, I'm learning that I'm not ordinary… and my destiny is not to blend in with everyone else. I need to shine… and be "Me"…. and not the "Me" that people expect.

Now don't get me wrong… its not like I've been 'cured' of my desire to fit in. Just because I know, on an intellectual level, that I'm not meant to fit in doesn't mean that I'm OK with it.

But I guess, I'm still a work in progress. I aspire to embrace my individualism and revel in the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I'll always be different from everyone else.

So now begins my epic quest to live a life less ordinary... to the fullest!