Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance!

https://youtu.be/lx0z9FjxP-Y?t=1m17s

(A clip from "Fried Green Tomatoes," 1991)

Those who I have met in the past six or so years, know me as the bold, fearless and snarky TAG who doesn't take crap from anyone.  However, those who have known far longer remember me as the quiet, shy and awkward person who really wasn't comfortable in my own skin.  As a late bloomer, I was only able to find my self-confidence and my happiness later in life.  As a result, I often think about "Karine's Lost Years," a time when the main thing that held me back was myself.  

While it's nothing that I intentionally try to do today, I often wonder whether my busy social schedule is an attempt to recapture "Karine's Lost Years" and make up for lost time.  Looking back, I realize that I have not made the most of those years, when I was slimmer, fit into a size 2 (*this may not be true, but let me create my own happy unfulfilled memories, please) and looked even younger than I do today.  If I feel like torturing myself, I can think of I could've embodied fabulosity, allowing me to live an exciting and action packed life.  However, unless someone brings me a Tardis or a souped up DeLorean (equipped with Mr. Fusion) for my birthday (you have roughly 70 shopping days, btw), I cannot go back in time and reassure the young me that everything would be ok.

The past, as they say, is in the past.  Instead of thinking about 'what could have been,' I focus my efforts on making the most of who I am now.  True, I may not ever fit into a size 2 again and will never be that young 21 year old fetus who I used to be, but I think I've done a great job of living in the now.  I have a steady job with seniority that allows me to live comfortably, buy the occasional pair of Christian Louboutins and, most importantly, buy a house on my own, without the help of a spouse, a baby daddy or sugar daddy.  While it may be years late, today, I embody fabulosity and have wonderful friends who are there to accompany me on all of my adventures.    

Do I still try to capture some of the magic I would have created during "Karine's Lost Years?"  You BET!!!  Today, I got myself involved in an adventure that a 21 year old, confident me could've rocked, but that today me was just too old for.  However, I can't kick myself for setting off on that adventure because it's just another experience and another memory.  That being said, I also need to remember that, I am now a grown ass woman!  Which is why I had the Fried Green Tomatoes quote stuck in my head... because, while I'm older, I have more insurance (shiny toys and resources) than I did back then.

Years ago, I was on a meditation retreat and spoke to a Buddhist monk, who gave me a great piece of advice, "Don't lament the road behind you because it is what has brought you here."  Sure, it would be nice to go back in time and give that younger me all of the love, reassurance and advice that I needed to open up and blossom, but who knows what my life would be like today?  And which of you that I would have never met?  

Life is a trip in which the journey is more important than the final destination... and I'm grateful to have met each and every one of you along the way!

"Woe is Me" Folk

Friends, it's time to pull down the window of the laboratory hood and turn on the fan... why?  It's time to vent!!!

Over the past few days, I've noticed that I have a few friends who like to publicly lament their woes and problems.  Since I can't consider it humble bragging (like the guy who lamented about how his life sucked because he bought a $300k sports car), I'm trying to figure out what to call it.

Here's the situation.... friend stresses about something online or in chats in person.  Others and I post/give alternative ways to handle their problematic situation which would alleviate their problem.  The friend will then either ignore our suggestions/alternatives or get mad/angry/nervous/stressed that we're trying to help them.  Either way, instead of trying to make things better by alleviating their source of public stress, they prefer to continue complaining about it.

I can't tell if it's just a cry for attention... or if they just don't get it... or if they are staring too closely at the trees and not seeing the big picture forest.

If I'm walking in a random patch of hypothetical wetland and end up in quicksand, I will look around and see what I can use to get out.  If someone is present who wants to help or shout suggestions, I'll definitely take them up on it.  However, what I *won't* do is struggle and panic as I sink further and further into the quicksand, until I am completely submerged.  I've always been a firm believer that, if I'm not doing something right, doubling down on the 'wrong way' isn't going to help.  

So, back to these acquaintances; if they're trying to get attention, they don't realize that, without regard for their motive, they look like indecisive fools who want to sink to their death. And, if they're just clueless and refuse to accept help, then even a Sherpa armed with a seeing eye dog with GPS attached to it won't get them back to the right path.

So, other than muttering 'fool' under my breath, what do I call these people?

"I do feel sorry for someone that is in the late 30's that has never been married, and looks so beautiful as you. The big question is why? Now I know..."

­­                After a wonderful dinner with my Mom and a foot massage, I returned home to a series of emails from a (now former) friend.  As a bit of background, this is a guy (mid 40's and divorced) who aspired to be my man but, sadly for him, didn't measure up in so many ways.  While I made it clear (on a number of occasions) that I wasn't interested... and he claimed to understand and be able to live with that, he became a never ending fount of drama in my life... most of it arising out of his emotionally immaturity (including a crazy rant he posted on my Facebook) and his inability to understand that "no means no."

                His parting shot, right before he unfriended me, was "I do feel sorry for someone that is in the late 30's that has never been married, and looks so beautiful as you. The big question is why? Now I know..."

                The funny thing is that, in his mind, that was the ultimate insult... something meant to cut me to my core and that I'd spend the rest of the evening crying over.  However, what he failed to realize was that his insult to me both answered the question he posed, as well as reinforced my decision to exile him from my life. 

                Why am I still single?  I just haven't found the right person... in today's world, there is no shame in being older and single.  While I have married friends, I also have many friends who are also unmarried.  In the 1950's, I can see how this would be the harbinger of doom for the pitiful spinster... however, today, this isn't the case.

                However, without regard for the changing times, I've decided that I'm not going to be the girl who is going throw myself at the next eligible man or woman who comes my way.  I'm sorry, but I have these things called "Standards" (something that the manchild clearly didn't know anything about).  Finding a mate isn't difficult... finding the RIGHT mate is much more challenging.

                Herein lies the challenge.... I am accomplished and intelligent.  I have a good job that pays me fairly well... and, more importantly, my life experiences have forged a strong character and have given me an appreciation of who I am.  While it would be easy to marry the next slack jawed yokel that looks at me with googly eyes, I choose to continue searching for the right person who is worthy of me (and who I am worthy of).  Cheaters?  Leaches?  Lazy men?  Horny bastards interested in just one thing?  Yeah... keep on going because <waving hand across>, I'm not the girl you're looking for!

                Why am I still single?  Because I'm not desperate....because I'm not afraid to do my own thing... because I have a very sensitive and honed BS detector...  because idiots annoy me... because I'm not obsessed with being a breeder... because I know who I am and what I want... because that right person hasn't come along yet... because I'm waiting for the right person.

                In the end, I didn't spend very much time or effort arguing with the manchild.... what was the point?  He will believe what he wants and, quite honestly, his opinion is not one that I care about or care to waste my time influencing.  Good riddance to him and onward to find someone worthy of my friendship!

To see, or not to see, that is the question

To see, or not to see, that is the question:

Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The presence and idiotic words of obnoxious people,

Or to take refuge in my dwelling

And, by staying at home, remaining in bed.  To avoid- to rejoice

With apologies to the Bard, this is the dilemma that I now face.

As much as I love friends who are hosting a get together meal this weekend, there are two people, among the many who were part of the big Augean Stable cleaning/ purge of a few weeks ago.  While our “friendships” had ended long ago, I still kept them around to see what idiocy they would post… and, quite honestly, they never failed to disappoint.  Over time, I realized that I was better off not knowing about them… as snickering at the inane thoughts passed through their simple minds just got boring.

Even though I have previously purged these people from my Facebook page, I’m not able to fully remove them from my life.  There are many people that I would love to see at the get together this weekend… however, I do not have the desire to associate or deal with these two people. 

Friends, who are attending and know of my quandary, tell me that I can sit with them and avoid the toxic ones… although, how do I ensure that?  And, short of wearing ear plugs and using sign language (which would be difficult as I only know how to sign one thing… and it’s mainly used when I drive) how do I block their ‘blah blah blah’ from destroying the happiness I feel from being friends whose company I actually *DO* enjoy?

To see, or not to see, that is the question... 

Karine 365, one year later!!!

            A year ago today, I posted a blog about starting the Karine 365 project in which I would be “making a conscious effort, in the next year, to live my life on my terms and to be the woman who I want to be.” Unlike the Photo 365 projects (which most people started, went strong for about 30 days, then totally abandoned), my Karine 365 project was more personal, not requiring me to post daily updates about life but, instead, to just live a more genuine existence and to find positivity. 

            During the last year, I have suffered bumps and bruises, shed lots of tears, but have emerged a much happier and stronger woman. Looking back at last year’s blog, I set three goals for myself.

Goal #1:  To be *ME*

The primary goal of Karine 365 was to be able to live life the way that *I* wanted and to allow people to see the real me.  While I did not project a false persona to people, I had always been more guarded about opening up and letting the world see me… this girl.   I had so much fear and anxiety about being so open and vulnerable to people.  In the last year, I have shown more of the genuine Karine to the world than ever, for better or worse, and the results, without a doubt, have been truly wonderful. 

            Without a doubt, the most wonderful aspect of the past year has been rediscovering my smile.  While I’ve always had, flashed and shown the smile, in the past it hasn’t always been genuine.  As a graduate of the “when in doubt, just smile and people will leave you alone” school of thought, a smile wasn’t always a sign of my happiness.  During this past year, I’ve noticed my smile return and backed up by the joy, glee and excitement that I feel.  Friends have also noticed, telling me that I just seem much happier than I did in the past. 

           

            While I’ve accomplished much in my goal to be *ME*, I realize that I still have work to do.  I have confidence and self-love, but I still notice that I will sacrifice what I want in order to appease others.  Moving forward, I need to focus less on what others think and focus more on making my dreams, wishes and hopes a reality.

Goal #2:  Avoid Drama

            Sadly, over the past few years, there are have been many casualties of Karine 365… I have made a concerted effort to distance myself and, in some cases, banish people from my life, who have only brought me drama, grief, stress and unhappiness.  What amazes me the most is that, looking back, a year ago, I considered some of these (now distanced) people my closest friends, which is either a testament to how I have honed my ability to read people or how incredibly blind I was to the stealth energy vampires and drama mosquitoes, who swarmed around me to suck out my vitality and life.  The up (and down) side of it all is that I have much more quiet time for myself, which is always nice but, at some points, can be lonely. 

            However, with the subtraction of some people in my life, I’m happy about the addition of much more loving, supportive and drama free friends… as well as the strengthening of existing, positive friendship bonds and ties.  I have been able to reach out beyond my standard circle of friends to meet and get to know such a diverse group of interesting, loving and nonjudgmental people.  Branching out to other groups and people became a necessity for me since I started to realize that one group of acquaintances, in particular, was becoming highly toxic and unhealthy.  While there are still wonderful loving people that I met through and still keep in touch with from that group, I feel that a large portion of that group bordered on (and often crossed the lines) being emotionally unhealthy.  

            In the upcoming year (and beyond), I will try to be more careful about where I invest my emotional energy and love.  I will no longer waste it on people who are not worthy and need to hone my ‘Spidey sense” in rooting out the undeserving.  It’s clearly a task that’s much easier said than done.

Goal 3:  Achieving my body goals

            In the past year, I have also made strides in attaining the body that I want.  Even though I’m still self-conscious walking around in a bikini, I am much more confident in doing it than I was in the past.  In learning to accept my body, I have started to love my attributes, to embrace my flaws and accept accountability for the choices that I make.  I’d love to tone up a bit more but realize that Yogurtland or skipping the gym, while not the best ideas, will delay the achievement of perfect body that I am hoping for. 

Conclusion:

            The last year has been filled with positives and negatives but, in the end, has been overwhelmingly wonderful. I mourn the friendships that have fallen by the wayside, but take joy in knowing that there are many other wonderful people who have stepped up to fill in that void.  I am so amazingly lucky in feeling the love and support to open up to many more friends about where I’ve been, where I am and where I hope to go. 

            I am elated that the first year of Karine 365 has been so amazingly wonderful and successful.  I start year two with even more joy, exuberance, and enthusiasm towards making all of my wishes and desires a reality and being at that place in life where I want to be.  However, in the big picture, I realize that it’s not about a Karine 365 year two (or year ten)… in order to find the happiness which I seek, I’m focused on a Karine 365 lifetime.